I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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