I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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