two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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