As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
