maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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