is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
