Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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