A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Randomize
