I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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