Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
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Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
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Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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