when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
