my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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