not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
