i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
