I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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