Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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