She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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