If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
