sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
