I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
