I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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