How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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