mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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