If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Too much gin, very little bucket
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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