You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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