Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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