Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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