I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
