party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he was CRYING into my vagina
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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