I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
