Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Be still, my beating vagina.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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