Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
