I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My vagina is officially offended.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
