The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
