I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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