My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
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She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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