who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
