yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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