All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
