I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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