Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
