I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
