Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
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You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
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Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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