He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
