How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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