Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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