Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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