He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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