Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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