Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
