I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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