I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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