ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
