I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
