god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
