I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Randomize
