Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He better not be in your backpack
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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