i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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