I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
